We all know that it's not just what you say, it's how you say it. But there is a third factor that has an insidious impact on your friendship. I call it "the hidden insult" and it's more common than you may think. What is the hidden insult? It's how whatever you say inadvertently affects your listener's EGO. This factor has the potency to make someone like you more–or a lot less.

Here's an example. Yesterday at lunchtime I was in a Blimpie shop ordering one of their long sandwiches.  A sweet young girl behind the counter was assiduously placing salami, cheese, and trimmings on the loaf of bread. Her colleague was pulling another loaf out of the cupboard behind her while saying, “Yeah, I went for that job interview yesterday and got it. I sure won’t be around here much longer slinging this shit."

How do you think that made the girl feel about her job? Consciously or not, the guy's words made her feel like the stuff he said she was slinging. Of course he didn’t mean to demean her, but he said it without thinking. If the young girl liked her colleague before, she certainly liked him a little less now.

BIG WINNERS, before speaking, consider how what they say could affect their listener’s ego. Most people are so sensitive that anything that could possibly be interpreted as demeaning will be.