Author Archives: leil

How many times have you heard someone preface what they are about to say with, “Oh, this is interesting . . .” Now you’re waiting for this fascinating fact, big headline, or something you assume you too will find intriguing. Then, wide-eyed, she or he tells you what s/he found so intriguing. But, snore, you don’t. In fact you find it totally mundane or boring

OK, this person is not going to lose your valued friendship or respect over something that small. But it doesn’t help you feel closer to him or her either. Let’s just chalk it up to their tiny communicating gaffe. So what's the comunication tip?

If you find yourself tempted to start saying something with the common phrase, “This is interesting” try to catch yourself and change that to, “You MAY find this interesting.” And then proceed. Now you’re covered in case your "interesting" story bores them.

Oh oh, the common phrase, “This is interesting” just slipped out and you can’t catch it before it rolls off your tongue? No problem. Simply add, “Well at least I found it interesting.” Then relax and proceed talking about what YOU found fascinating. Who knows s/he might too. But now you’re not risking having your friend roll their eyes.

Ouch, writing this pains me because it concerns a recent humiliating experience. Babbling away at a small celebration and enjoying some bubbly, I knocked my glass of champagne off the mantle on a hardwood floor about a foot from the party-giver’s white carpet.  Upon hearing the shatter, Rebecca, the hostess glided over and began picking up the shattered pieces. Seeing my distraught expression, she smiled and said, “Oh. Leil, it’s nothing. It was just an old glass that I have dozens of.” She interrupted my garbled apologies with, “Don’t be silly Leil,” and joked “at least it wasn’t red wine on the carpet.”  Her two gentle comments about my clumsy blunder made me soon forgot the episode.

 A half hour later, walking through the dining room on the way to the bathroom, I did indeed see that she had other glasses like it. But these were carefully displayed in an antique rosewood cabinet. Hmm, they looked suspiciously similar to the one I broke! Pressing my nose against the beveled glass of her cabinet to behold the exquisite crystal red wine, white wine, champagne and cordial glasses, I realized that the one that now lay in smithereens at the bottom of her garbage can was part of her cherished set.

In the bathroom, realizing what I had done, I wanted to be flushed down the toilet with the tissue. As I left the ladies room, another sentiment swept over me—tremendous renewed respect for Rebecca and the way she’d handled her disappointment and loss.  She avoided making me feel like the clumsy klutz I deserved to.

LITTLE TRICK OF BIG WINNERS:  When someone inadvertently does something that he/she is embarrassed about, try to hide your disappointment. Then wrack your brain to think of something–anything–to say that will make them feel less embarrassed and distressed. You will win their gratitude and respect.

How many dozens of times has someone said something to you and, ‘fes up, you just weren't listening? It’s embarrassing. And, worse, it makes the person feel like he/she wasn’t worth listening to. Big Winners don’t get ahead by making others feel insignificant. In fact, just the opposite. So, instead of blurting out the usual “Huh?” or “What did you say,” (which it makes it obvious that you weren't listening,) try this Little Trick. A man I highly respected used it on me when I’d said something to him–which was probably not worth listening to anyway! But that's beside the point.

LITTLE TRICK: When someone says something and its obvious you weren’t listening, try this Big Winner’s trick. He said “Oh I'm so sorry, I was miles away. Please tell me what you said” It sounds more intelligent and less dismissive. Oh, and don’t forget to use his/her name at the end to reinforce your respect.

When it comes to ego, everyone is like a hemophiliac with paper-thin skin. If your wording of an innocent comment even subtly insinuates a less-than-positive view of your listener, it’s a pin prick that causes emotional bleeding. If you inadvertently give someone enough teensy pricks, they stop liking you. And that can have untold personal and professional repercussions. 

Here are just a few everyday phrases I often mention that, unless you tweak them, possibly as suggested, subconsciously attacks your listener’s ego.

Avoid asking “Do you know . . . ?” Or “Have you ever heard of . . . “” If they must answer “no,” they’re embarrassed.  Instead say “Do you happen to know . . . ?”Or “By any chance, have you heard of?” That makes it more acceptable if they haven’t. 

Avoid asking “Do you want another glass of wine?”  (Or whatever their beverage.)  Some people are sensitive about their drinking. Soften it by saying, “May I serve you some wine?” They know it’s their second—or third. But it’s not obvious that you do!

Avoid saying “I’m sorry, I’ve forgotten your name.” Or “Oh, I’m so bad with names.” It makes him/her feel pretty forgettable! Instead say, “I want to remember your name. Please remind me.” These are just a few common examples of which there are hundreds.

LITTLE TRICK: Before asking anyone a question, ask yourself this one. "What could an insecure person possibly assume from it?" Because, no matter how confident he or she comes across, deep down EVERYONE is insecure.

Has this ever happened to you? You’re chatting with someone and then, ouch, an uncomfortable silence pops up. You wrack your brain for something scintillating to say—but you can’t think of anything, sparkling or not, to fill the painfully protracted silence.

This happened to me just last week. I was talking with a new acquaintance telling him about a recent trip I’d taken. But when I finished, one of those agonizing silences reared its horrible head.  I racked my brain to no avail for something to say (or an excuse to get away. But just then, he said three words that turned the entire encounter around. He simply smiled and said, “Tell me more.”

Well, I didn't need a second invitation! I happiy delved into another ten minute monologue about my trip, and came away thinking that he was an intriguing conversationalist. Yet, thinking back, he’d hardly said a word.

CoolCommunicating Tip:  Use these three magic words guaranteed to resuscitate a dying conversation: “Tell me more!”

Ouch, some people just don't "get it." Get what? Get the fact that EVERYTHING they say has three impacts on the listener. And the third is the most common one that decides if people like or dislike them.

The first is what you say. The second is how you say it. (But you already knew that.) The third one we don't often think of is how your words impact the LISTENERS EGO.  Even if what you say has absolutely nothing to do directly with the listener, he/she senses an insinuation.

A small example: At lunchtime yesterday I was in a Blimpie restaurant. That's where they sell those full-of-junk calories but delicious foot-long sandwiches.

Two servers were behind the counter. A pleasant young girl was carefully placing the salami, cheese, and trimmings while her colleague was pulling bread out of the case for the sandwich. I overheard him telling her “Yeah, I went for that job interview yesterday and got it.” Then he laughed, “I sure won’t be around here much longer slinging this shit.”

Aargh, how do you think that made her feel about her good job that, in this this economy, was quite lucky to have? Consciously or not, his words are made her feel like the stuff he said she was slinging. What he said was CrappyCommunicating. An example of CoolCommunicating would be, “I’m really going to miss you here, but . . ."

Of course he didn’t mean to demean her but it was thoughtless. We must extra careful about what our words insinuate about the listener. If the young girl liked her colleague before, she certainly liked him a little less now!

Sometimes it absolutely amazes me that two people enjoying an activity together think they’re having the same experience. No way!  Everyone notices different aspects of whatever they’re doing. For instance, when you and a friend walk down a street together, you may think you're seeing the same things. But it’s not true!

Last weekend, a friend and were sauntering down a suburban street. Paola pointed out to the intricate designs the shadows the trees were playing on the cement. Paola is a photographer.  This morning, I strolled down the same street with another friend. Andrew expressed surprise seeing a Tudor style house on the same block with a Prairie style. (I wouldn’t have noticed either, let alone being able to name them!) Andrew is an aspiring architect.

Where is this going? It's to confess that I don't really notice tree patterns or house styles. Or even the weather or foliage. What I notice is people—their human actions and reactions in conversation. You could accuse me of being obsessed with it, you'd be absolutely right. In my future blogs, I want to share mini-stories with you of, IMHO, great communicating and, well, not-so-great communicating.  I’m going to label them COOL-COMMUNICATING and CRAPPY-COMMUNICATING. Understandably those last words are ugly to some. (Me too!) But CrappyCommunicating is usually ugly to the listener as you’ll see in the blog that follow.

I sincerely hope some of the suggestions will be obvious to you. And, if they are, Congratulations! That means you are a truly rare and sensitive communicator.